Is it confidence you need or self-compassion?

Confidence is a topic I get to explore a lot with my clients. Everyone wants to feel confident and it might feel like everyone has more than you. 

To cultivate more confidence in your life, though, have you considered what self-compassion can do for you, first? 

My argument: If we aren’t willing to take risks because we love beating ourselves up, we will stay in that space forever. If we can take chances, even if we “fail”, we have the tools to dust ourselves off and try again. 

Here are five ideas and steps to support you in building your confidence and your self-compassion. Let’s go: 

1. Remember that everyone is doing the best that they can. Literally. Truly.
   
   I don’t have to tell you that there’s a lot of shit going on in the world and the fact that you keep showing up, should be celebrated.
   
   Consider that the people who you see as being confident, don’t actually feel that way 100% of the time either. They just have ways to take care of themselves to keep showing up.
   
   Action to take: Print this, post this, put this mantra as a background on your phone or come up with one that supports you better so that you are reminded on a daily - if not hourly basis - that you are doing the best that you can and that’s enough.
   
   

2. Understand that we are built to survive, not thrive.
   
   Our bodies and brains have evolved over millennia and yet their goal is to still do one thing: Keep us alive.
   
   So what do we do with this? Understand that your brain and the way fear is processed in the body looks the same. Whether there is a bear actually chasing you or you are about to get up on stage and give a big presentation. The brain signals danger.
   
   That means the fear you feel when you're outside of your comfort zone - or even thinking about it - isn’t wrong or bad, it doesn’t mean you can’t do it. It’s just your body and brain doing what they know how to do for you.
   
   Action to take: Signal safety in your body. This can be any kind of nervous system regulation like grounding or EFT tapping, for example. (There’s a lot out there about the nervous system regulation these days so just see what Google can do for you or leave a comment if you would like more resources on this).
   
   Whenever you do something scary or think about preparing for that presentation, let your body know that it's okay, it's safe, and keep trying. Over time, you’ll expand your capacity to feel that thing and not run the other way.
   
   

3. Build the Evidence that you’re already doing a Great Job.
   
   We are quick to focus on the lack, on the thing we can’t do or don’t have (back to that survival and lack). In your quest to build confidence and self-compassion, gather evidence of how far you’ve already come. Proof that you can do the thing, that you’re proud of yourself.
   
   Action to Take: Make a file - digital or real - of times and places that you have gotten good feedback at work, a nice text message from a friend or an email from a former client. Maybe it’s something great you did, how awesome you are, how grateful they are for you - whatever it is. Keep it all in one place so you can look at it when you need a boost.
   
   Bonus: Create a note on your phone or start a notebook and consider starting a running list of allll the times that you’re proud of yourself. Things that you've done in the past that you want to celebrate. Try to add something on a daily basis, even if it takes you a minute or two to put something down.
   
   Create evidence that you are capable of doing more than you think you are and make sure to revisit it on a regular basis.
   
   

4. Get realistic about your inner critic and what the future holds.
   
   Make sure you're setting realistic expectations that your inner critic may never go away. Consider that in a lot of ways that inner critic has helped you get here. That voice has served a purpose.
   
   Action to Take: When a critical thought comes up, get into the habit of asking yourself, is this true? If it's not, what is another thought that is true that feels real to you?
   
   Kara Loewentheil from the School of New Feminist Thought talks about ladder work and picking one thought that's true. For example, if you want to meet the man of your dreams but don't think you're worthy of him. A mantra that you're worthy for the man of your dreams might not make sense to your brain. A mantra that you are taking care of yourself to one day be open to receive that sort of love could be a step in the right direction.
   
   Choose one thought at a time that feels true and keep taking the next best step.
   
   Personally, I relate to this work through the lens of making my self-compassion voice so loud that the critical voice just joins the party :) 
   
   

5. Bring in More Support.
   
   Remember that your current level of confidence and self-compassion has gotten you this far which is really freaking far. To get to a new place is new and it takes time and you don’t have to do it alone.
   
   Action to take: Consider working with a third party that’s in your corner like a coach- hey, I'm one of those coaches that can support you ;) - or a therapist. We’re trained to help reflect observations and themes, like when your inner critic is getting in the way. That person can support you in reframing the thoughts and ideas that are not serving you so that you can continue building new actions and pathways to get you where you want to be. (Psst: I have a blog post about coaching if you want to learn more here).
   
   

This Is truly an introduction to self-compassion and confidence and how to cultivate both in your life. What stood out to you the most or what would you like to see me dig into deeper?

For more on self-compassion, check out Dr.Kristin Neff's work and Louise Hayes’ Mirror Work.

Remember ultimately that your thoughts and words matter. The thoughts that you’re thinking in your brain are important and reflect your environment around you.

Start small in this process, continue to give yourself grace - back to step number one - and just keep going. 

The world needs more compassion and that starts with you.

Hey, I’m Caitlin! I’m a certified health coach and life coach and I’m here to bring sustainable change into your day so that you have the time and energy you need for the things that matter most. 

Want more support? Check out my other posts, learn more about coaching here or book a call with me here. You can always sign up for my newsletter, to receive these posts straight to your inbox, too!

XO,
Caitlin